My inner critic invites you to tag along on a journey through the deepest, darkest realms of bad fiction, as epitomized in the fanfictional beginnings of the now bestselling series 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. In other words, I am doing a through and critical reading of 'Master of the Universe' by Snowqueens Icedragon. Be warned: Kinky fuckery lies ahead (admittedly most of it is being censored, what with genitalia being vaguely alluded to as 'way down there', or simply just 'there'.) Nevertheless, twelve-year-olds, consider yourselves warned.
I need to talk to Rose. I’ve so many questions, about sex, and you’re just too involved. If you want me to do all these things… How do I know?” I pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.
Oh, hi, Bella! Remember what you said last night?
“Edward, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone anyway, even Rose, so it’s immaterial to me whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer,whom
Of course, darling. Isabella, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet again.” She holds her hand out to me, her eyes glowing and I shake it gently.
Bella only uttered five words to Edward’s mother, but apparently that’s more than enough to constitute ‘such a pleasure’ in Mrs. Cullen’s book.
How to win over the in-laws by Isabella Swan:
“Mrs. Cullen.” *accepts proffered hand with a vapid smile*
“Yes.” *in response to a question*
“Excuse me.” *saunters into the adjoining room to pick up the phone*
Bella has yet to say a complete sentence in Mrs. Cullen’s presence, but just like every other character we’ve met in this book, Mrs. Cullen instinctively, irrationally, and immediately loves Mary Sue Bella Swan.
Look Jake, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Edward who’s watching me intently, his face impassive. I turn my back to him.
“Where are you? Rose is being so evasive,” he whines.
“I’m in Seattle.”
“What are you doing in Seattle? Are you with him?”
“Jake, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.
Oh, so you do realize that this is not a good time to take a personal phone call? The question that begs to be asked is, ‘Why the hell did you pick up the phone in the first place?!’.
Notice that Bella’s more concerned about what Edward will think about her talking to one of her male friends, than she is about what Edward’s mother will think of her for picking up the phone during their introduction.
So you are graduating this week?” Esme asks.
My cell phone starts to ring. Rose, I bet.
“Excuse me.” It’s in the kitchen. I wander over and lean across the breakfast bar, not checking the number.
You have just met your lover’s mother for the first time, and you have literally only spoken three words to her (the words being “Mrs.”, “Cullen”, and “yes”, for anyone who was curious).
If you’re trying to make a good first impression, this is not the right time to excuse yourself to take a phone call from one of your friends.
And suddenly, we both become aware of voices in the hall outside his bedroom door. […]
“Mrs. Cullen, please…”
“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.”
“Mrs. Cullen, he’s not alone.”
“What do you mean he’s not alone?
Er, yeah. I wonder what the sentence ‘He’s not alone’ could possibly mean?
Something tells me that Bella and Mrs. Cullen will become great friends, mostly due to their mutual lack of brains.
Does your family know about your… err, predilection?”
“No. It’s none of their business.
Seriously, Bella. Did you imagine that Edward had rounded up his adoptive parents and siblings in the living room couch, only to inform them that he has a secret playroom inside which he gets a kick out of whipping women?
I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.
“You are mine,” he whispers. “Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating.
I guess I missed the part where Bella went from being a person to being an object, the part where Bella signed the contract, and the part where Edward asked her if she wanted to enter into a monogamous relationship with him.
With or without her consent, she is now his property.
You are one brave young woman,” he whispers. “I am in awe of you.”
His words are like some kind of incendiary device… my blood flames…
You know that he’s either lying to you, or else he doesn’t know you well enough to realize how much of a coward you truly are. Either way, his words should not be having this effect on you. An appropriate response on your part would be to feel ill at ease.
Forget about the rules. Forget about all that stuff for tonight. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office… and I know you want me… you wouldn’t be sitting here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. I can be gentle… and I will… please Bella… spend the night with me.
The fact that Edward has wanted into her pants ever since she fell into his office, i. e. ever since before they exchanged a single word, just goes to prove how shallow and misguided everything about this book is.
We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end… but one that I want and hopefully you do too.” His green gaze is intense.
I flush… oh my… wishes come true…
Your sincerest wish was for a guy to find the means to an end by starting your basic BDSM training?