If this doesn’t get you hot and bothered to the point where you actually have to clench your teeth, I don’t know what will.

You don’t have to say it. The readers have full access to the hell that is your brain, and we have already deduced that your body is ready. 

Indeed. 

I see what you did there, E. L. 

The apple on the cover of Twilight represents “forbidden fruit.” I used the scripture from Genesis (located just after the table of contents) because I loved the phrase “the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.”Isn’t this exactly what Bella ends up with? A working knowledge of what good is, and what evil is?

- Stephenie Meyer

Oh, goodie. Foreshadowing. 

Also, I’m positively surprised that necrophilia is frowned upon in this edition of Twilight. In the original Twilight, the ethical dilemmas relating to necrophilia were never addressed, despite the fact that the entire “plot” revolved around a harebrained protagonist doing unspeakable acts with a corpse.

There isn’t much good to be said about ‘Fifty Shades’, but I believe in giving credit where credit is due. Dear E. L. James: Thank you for not writing yet another vampire novel. The world has too many of them as it is. 

It came from Twilight. 

I this snippet was included in the published version, I think Stephenie Meyer has a solid foundation for suing E. L. James.

Nothing beats a little male rivalry over an altogether unlikable female.

Based on Bella’s descriptions and the evidence so far, I have constructed a map of Bella’s brain. 

Methinks that your author has spent far too long delving into the Twilight books, and consequently she has become confused when it comes to what healthy romantic ideals are.

I bet this will come in handy at some point. 

Maybe that’s why he’s trying to hide it from your view?

‘Does Edward have a heart or not?’ shouldn’t be an adequate plot to carry a triology, much like how ‘Does Edward have a soul or not?’ shouldn’t be an adequate plot line to carry a “saga”.

I know there are already blogs out there picking ”Fifty Shades of Grey” to pieces, so I think that it would be more interesting for my sake to look with righteous condemnation upon its unedited blueprint, namely ”Master of the Universe” written by E. L. James (under cover of the not at all ridiculous pseudonym “Snowqueens Icedragon”). I’m given to understand that the two pieces are 89 shades of identical, but there you go. On this blog I will provide a critical and thorough reading of “Master of the Universe”.

Normally, I wouldn’t pick on fanfiction, but the second you submit your fic to a publisher, it’s fair game as far as I see it. Especially considering that fanfiction in its essence is expounding on someone else’s creativity (not thereby saying that Stephenie Meyer put in a whole lot of hard work when she put her wet dreams down in words, but you get my drift).

Changing the characters’ names does not an original piece of crap make, and I refuse to put even more money into E. L. James’ piggybank than what she has already made for regurgitating Smeyer’s work.

Also, I am far too socially awkward to approach a cashier with ’Fifty Shades of Grey’ in my hands.

In addition to this, I’m given to understand that Edward’s character has been redubbed “Christian” in the published version. The name “Christian” automatically makes me think of the religious persuasion, which in turn makes me unable to picture anyone other than Jesus in the main role. Needless to say, this is unnerving at best.