Oh, hi, Bella! Remember what you said last night? 

“Edward, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone anyway, even Rose, so it’s immaterial to me whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer,whom

 you

obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”

Uh, okay.

What if a family with kids gets into the elevator?

If you can’t even talk to him, you should probably consider the immediate termination of your relationship.

Uh, yeah…

Wait, what?

Sexual habits are sexual habits. 

“Comma in direct address, Sir!”

Also, I might be misremembering, but I’m pretty sure Edward at one points mentions that he would like Bella to call him “Sir”. Am I the only one that finds it a tad creepy that he makes the paid help call him by the same honorific?

Apparently a leather jacket is all it takes to transform a businessman into the ultimate badboy. Well, I certainly know what I’m dressing up as for next Halloween! 

Business mogul gone badass! 

Not half an hour ago:

I am panting, and vaguely I hear the rip of foil and then he’s in me. Fast, hard and large, thrusting into me, over and over, implacable, pushing me over the edge again.  

This book talks a great deal about the difference between lovemaking and hard fucking, but for all intents and purposes the two terms appear to be completely interchangeable. 

So, now it appears that Edward wants Bella to cut all contact with her male friends, simply because he “doesn’t like to share”. 

Excerpt from an article called ‘How can I teach my toddler to share?”:

When your toddler refuses to share his favorite truck (or even his least favorite truck), he isn’t really being selfish — he’s just acting his age.

And when your boyfriend refuses to let you hang out with your male friends, he isn’t really being selfish - he’s just acting like a toddler. 

If Newton’s doesn’t have a computer anyway, what was the point of including that last sentence?

Internet!

There is so much wrong with this that I barely know where to begin. 

1. How does E. L. James imagine that a twenty-one-year-old college graduate has survived the past four years without access to computers? I’m a college student, I have an e-mail address linked to the university I attend, and every single assignment I’ve handed in over the past year has been submitted electronically. I also use my computer to do research; a foreign concept to Bella. 

2. We’ve already established that Bella has an iPod, and also that there’s music on her iPod.

I take my ipod out of the bag and plug my headphones in… nothing like music to cook by. 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you have to hook an iPod up to a computer in order to transfer audio files to the iPod? At least that’s how my iPod works. 

3. Remember when Edward sent Bella those expensive books?

Rose is standing on the steps up to the front door holding a brown paper parcel. Odd… I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon recently. 

Odd… last I checked, Amazon was a website. 

Bella: “Research? What is this strange and foreign word of which you speak?”

And we’re still supposed to believe that this chick is a college graduate with a degree in literature?

Does this have anything to do with the Darfur shipment?

Are Edward’s crews going to skydive from a moving helicopter and down into the Rocky Mountains, all the while clutching a mysterious package emanating from Darfur?

One can only wonder why the delivery of the Darfur shipment isn’t the main plot. It sounds far more exhilarating than reading about Edward’s beautiful and impassive face pressing into hard lines.

What’s Edward’s problem?

My guesses:

• He doesn’t want Bella to have any male friends, i. e. potential rivals. (This is probably what E. L. James is getting at.) 
• He’s worried that the mysterious Darfur shipment will be the death of his precious helicopter. (He should be.)
• Edward, the Oedipus Complex incarnate, is disappointed that his mother left so quickly. (Given how delighted he was at her arrival, this is only logical.)
• He’s annoyed that Bella excused herself to pick up the phone while he was introducing her to his mother. (Frankly, he has every right to be. I know I would be pissed off if my boyfriend had acted this rude the first time I introduced him to my family.)

How the fuck is a helicopter at Sea Tac supposed to help ‘the Darfur shipment’?

Just like airplanes, helicopters have a maximum capacity for how much weight they can carry. This is why baggage allowance exist. Given that a helicopter is much smaller than an airplane, I doubt it’s able to carry a whole lot of cargo.  

Unless Edward is trying to smuggle unpolluted Sudanian air into America, I sincerely doubt that his helicopter will be in any way useful to ‘the Darfur shipment’.

Of course, I know full well that this is just E. L. James reminding us once more that Edward is a super important international businessman, just in case any of us had forgotten. Still, there’s no excuse for idiocy.