My Inner Critic

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My Inner Critic

My inner critic invites you to tag along on a journey through the deepest, darkest realms of bad fiction, as epitomized in the fanfictional beginnings of the now bestselling series 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. In other words, I am doing a through and critical reading of 'Master of the Universe' by Snowqueens Icedragon. Be warned: Kinky fuckery lies ahead (admittedly most of it is being censored, what with genitalia being vaguely alluded to as 'way down there', or simply just 'there'.) Nevertheless, twelve-year-olds, consider yourselves warned.

  • I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Rose’s voice.
    He frowns. “The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share Miss Swan, remember that.” His quiet chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me he heads back to the bedroom.

    So, now it appears that Edward wants Bella to cut all contact with her male friends, simply because he “doesn’t like to share”. 

    Excerpt from an article called ‘How can I teach my toddler to share?”:

    When your toddler refuses to share his favorite truck (or even his least favorite truck), he isn’t really being selfish — he’s just acting his age.

    And when your boyfriend refuses to let you hang out with your male friends, he isn’t really being selfish - he’s just acting like a toddler. 

    Tagged: Sharing is caring Ass Seriously? Who does this? Bella really ought to see the danger signs here Alarm bells are a'ringin' Male rivalry: the driving force behind Twilight Bad writing E. L. James Fifty Shades of Grey Master of the Universe

    Posted on June 30, 2012

  • When Bella introduces Rose to Edward:

    “Mr. Cullen, this is Rosalie Hale,” I breathe and wave a hand toward Rose who comes forward, looking him squarely in the eye.

    “The tenacious Miss Hale. How do you do?” He smiles slightly, looking genuinely amused. “Are you feeling better? Isabella told me you were unwell last week.”


    One paragraph later, when Bella introduces Jacob to Edward: 

    “This is Jacob Black, our photographer,” I say, grinning at Jake who smiles affectionately back at me. His eyes cool when he looks from me to Cullen.

    “Mr. Cullen,” he nods.

    “Mr. Black.” Cullen’s expression changes, appraising Jake. “Where would you like me?” His tone sounds vaguely threatening. 


    So, since Jacob has a penis, that automatically makes him the enemy?

    No wonder Edward doesn’t have any male friends.

    Tagged: The stone age called: they want their cavemen back Male rivalry: the driving force behind Twilight If I were Jacob I wouldn't put up with this crap What is wrong with these characters? Bad writing E. L. James Fifty Shades of Grey 50 Shades of Grey Master of the Universe

    Posted on June 11, 2012

  • Mike, I’m with a customer. Someone you should meet,” I say to try and diffuse the antagonistic look in Cullen’s eyes. I drag Mike over to meet him. “Can I introduce you to Edward Cullen?”
    Mike and Edward eye each other up and the atmosphere is suddenly arctic.

    Nothing beats a little male rivalry over an altogether unlikable female.

    Tagged: The stone age called: they want their cavemen back What is wrong with these characters? Male rivalry: the driving force behind Twilight Women are but possessions Bad writing E. L. James Twilight Fifty Shades of Grey 50 Shades of Grey Master of the Universe

    Posted on June 11, 2012 with 1 note

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