My Inner Critic

Blatant plagiarism in the publishing industry

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 01:47:00 +0200

Sorry for the lack of updates. In the big computer crash of ‘12 I lost my copy of ‘Master of the Universe’, and retrieving it is turning out to be quite a challenge.

On a different note, are you fucking kidding me?!

Francesca Arno has been commissioned to create a grand centerpiece painting for the lobby of Ian Noble’s new skyscraper. It’s at a cocktail party in her honor that she first meets him—and the attraction is immediate for ~~Francesca~~ Anastasia. It’s also bewildering. She’s not used to such a wholesale sexual response to a stranger. Enigmatic, darkly intense, with a commanding presence, ~~Ian~~ Christian completely unnerves her. And she likes it.

For Ian, she’s the kind of woman he can’t resist—one that comes all too rarely: a true innocent. But he can sense in her a desire to open up, to experiment, to give herself to the fantasies of a man in control. The first kiss, the first caress, the first challenge for a woman who craves what she’s never had—a man who gets what he wants.

And it doesn’t stop there.

Bared to You is narrated in first person by ~~Eva Tramell~~ Anastasia Steele, a recent graduate who has just moved to ~~New York~~ Seattle to begin work as an assistant to an ~~ad agency executive~~ publishing house executive. Along for the ride with Eva is her best friend and roommate ~~Cary~~ Kate, who is gorgeous, sweet, ~~and bisexual.~~

The weekend before she is to start work, Eva goes to the Crossfire building, where she will be working, in order to familiarize herself with it. She loses her balance while helping another woman retrieve change she dropped, and a hot, charismatic man comes to her aid.

The man, Eva learns later, is Gideon Cross, the millionaire who owns not only the Crossfire building but other properties around the city as well. ~~Gideon~~ Christian is as unwittingly hot for ~~Eva~~ Ana as she is for him, and he pursues her relentlessly. But although part of Eva would love nothing more than to tumble between the sheets with Gideon and f–k his brains out, she is put off by the businesslike way Gideon tries to bring this outcome about.

If this isn’t plagiarism, I don’t know what is.

I’ll admit I haven’t read either of these books, nor do I intend to, but I’ve spent much of this evening reading about them and guess what? Gideon, the male lead in Bared to You, is already a CEO of a multimillion company at the age of twenty-eight! Sound familiar? And Eva, Gideon’s female counterpart, is completely unaware of how beautiful she really is! Sound like someone we know (and loathe)?

Every woman and more than one man takes note of Gideon’s hotness. Eva marvels at his magnetism almost every time we see Gideon through her eyes, which is pretty often.

Now where have we heard that before? So much for beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Oh, and also according to dearauthor.com:

Gideon is also amazing in bed, both in his unusual stamina and in his ability to give Eva multiple orgasms.

And apparently this Gideon chap is a mercurial control freak to boot:

Instead, his controlling tendencies (investigating Eva, insisting she call him or talk to him, leaving multiple messages on her phone) repelled me, and I was equally put off by the way he blew hot and cold with Eva.

I don’t even…

In case you were were curious about Because You Are Mine, let me assure you that there seems to be a legitimate plethora of similarities from that corner of the woods, as well.

Francesca feels out of place wearing her hand-me-down clothes in the new Noble Enterprises building’s expensive restaurant amongst the well-coiffed wealthy.

Why, please tell me more.

She just doesn’t fit.

Who wants to wager that she’ll run off to listen to ‘Misfits’ by Amy Studt?

It’s evident Francesca Arno is completely unaware of her beauty and innate sexual appeal, which mystifies Ian as do her gauche responses and mannerisms.

I bet that is evident, and abundantly so.

We are given more insight into Ian’s temperament, his need for control as well as his recognition and acceptance that he is a full-blown sexual dominant.

A look inside his private, inner sanctum shows that Ian Noble is into some serious kink.

A look inside his playroom, you mean?

I never thought I’d feel bad for chastising E. L. for plagiarizing Stephenie Meyer.

"I need to talk to Rose. I’ve so many questions, about sex, and you’re just too involved. If you want..."

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 03:33:00 +0200

““I need to talk to Rose. I’ve so many questions, about sex, and you’re just too involved. If you want me to do all these things… How do I know?” I pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.””

- Oh, hi, Bella! Remember what you said last night?

“Edward, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone anyway, even Rose, so it’s immaterial to me whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer,whom

you

obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”

"He reaches up and pulls my chin.“Stop biting your lip or I will fuck you in the elevator… and I..."

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 03:30:01 +0200

“He reaches up and pulls my chin.“Stop biting your lip or I will fuck you in the elevator… and I won’t care who gets in with us.””

- Uh, okay.

What if a family with kids gets into the elevator?

"It’s perfectly natural that I should talk to someone, and I can’t talk to him if he is..."

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 02:50:52 +0200

“It’s perfectly natural that I should talk to someone, and I can’t talk to him if he is so open one minute and so standoffish the next.”

- If you can’t even talk to him, you should probably consider the immediate termination of your relationship.

"Taylor looks kindly at me, and I think I see a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes. No..."

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 02:39:02 +0200

“Taylor looks kindly at me, and I think I see a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes.
No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr. Cullen’s dubious sexual habits. Well, not yet. Just his exceptional sexual habits(…)”

- Uh, yeah…

Wait, what?

Sexual habits are sexual habits.

"Tomorrow then,” he says to Taylor, who nods. “Yes Sir. Which car are you taking Sir?"

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 02:32:28 +0200

““Tomorrow then,” he says to Taylor, who nods.
“Yes Sir. Which car are you taking Sir?””

- “Comma in direct address, Sir!”

Also, I might be misremembering, but I’m pretty sure Edward at one points mentions that he would like Bella to call him “Sir”. Am I the only one that finds it a tad creepy that he makes the paid help call him by the same honorific?

"He’s wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi..."

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 02:21:00 +0200

“He’s wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi millionaire, billionaire, whateveraire, in these clothes. He looks like he’s from the wrong side of the tracks. A badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model.”

- Apparently a leather jacket is all it takes to transform a businessman into the ultimate badboy. Well, I certainly know what I’m dressing up as for next Halloween!

Business mogul gone badass!

E. L. James killed my brain

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 21:23:00 +0200

Just kidding, but I’m pretty sure I’ve lost about half my brain cells since I first laid eyes on the first draft of Fifty Shades of <insert something offensive here>.

I’m sorry for the unannounced hiatus. My faithful MacBook died unexpectedly, and my .gif collection and all my notations died with it. E. L. James might not have killed my brain, but I blame her awful writing for the death of my computer. I suspect my ‘mean machine’ could’t handle having a copy of ‘Fifty’ saved on its hard disk any longer and decided to opt for the easy way out.

On a different (though related) note, when I went down to the Apple store to buy myself a new computer (because some women actually do buy their own stuff), I discovered to my great distress that the MacBook I knew and loved (the good ol’ Macbook that was simply named ‘MacBook’, unaccompanied by a suffix of the ‘pro’ variety) has been taken off the market. Which in turn left me with no other option than to buy the exact same model that I think E. L. James intended for AnaBella to have:

“It’s a MacBook.”

“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.

“These aren’t available in the shops yet ma’am. The very latest from Apple.”

I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I need a little more time to reassemble everything I lost in the crash.

"What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?"

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:47:00 +0200

“What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?”

- Not half an hour ago:

I am panting, and vaguely I hear the rip of foil and then he’s in me. Fast, hard and large, thrusting into me, over and over, implacable, pushing me over the edge again.

This book talks a great deal about the difference between lovemaking and hard fucking, but for all intents and purposes the two terms appear to be completely interchangeable.

"I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Rose’s voice. He frowns. “The photographer?”..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:42:09 +0200

““I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Rose’s voice.
He frowns. “The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share Miss Swan, remember that.” His quiet chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me he heads back to the bedroom.”

- So, now it appears that Edward wants Bella to cut all contact with her male friends, simply because he “doesn’t like to share”.

Excerpt from an article called ‘How can I teach my toddler to share?”:

When your toddler refuses to share his favorite truck (or even his least favorite truck), he isn’t really being selfish — he’s just acting his age.

And when your boyfriend refuses to let you hang out with your male friends, he isn’t really being selfish - he’s just acting like a toddler.

"I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have one.Besides, this..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:26:49 +0200

“I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have one.
Besides, this sort of ‘research’ is not something I can do at work surely?”

- If Newton’s doesn’t have a computer anyway, what was the point of including that last sentence?

"You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs. Internet! I don’t have access to a..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:22:17 +0200

““You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.
Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have one.”

- Internet!

There is so much wrong with this that I barely know where to begin.

1. How does E. L. James imagine that a twenty-one-year-old college graduate has survived the past four years without access to computers? I’m a college student, I have an e-mail address linked to the university I attend, and every single assignment I’ve handed in over the past year has been submitted electronically. I also use my computer to do research; a foreign concept to Bella.

2. We’ve already established that Bella has an iPod, and also that there’s music on her iPod.

I take my ipod out of the bag and plug my headphones in… nothing like music to cook by.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you have to hook an iPod up to a computer in order to transfer audio files to the iPod? At least that’s how my iPod works.

3. Remember when Edward sent Bella those expensive books?

Rose is standing on the steps up to the front door holding a brown paper parcel. Odd… I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon recently.

Odd… last I checked, Amazon was a website.

"And may I suggest you do some research, so you know what you’re letting yourself in for.” He pauses...."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 18:14:00 +0200

““And may I suggest you do some research, so you know what you’re letting yourself in for.” He pauses. “That’s if you agree. And I really hope you do,” he adds, his tone softer, anxious.
“Research?””

- Bella: “Research? What is this strange and foreign word of which you speak?”

And we’re still supposed to believe that this chick is a college graduate with a degree in literature?

"He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 17:57:46 +0200

“He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. “This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend.””

-

"His mouth presses in a hard line and he makes a call. “Kate, what’s the issue?” he snaps...."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:56:00 +0200

“His mouth presses in a hard line and he makes a call.
“Kate, what’s the issue?” he snaps. […]
“I’m not having either crew put at risk. No, cancel…. We’ll air drop instead…. Good.” He hangs up.”

- Does this have anything to do with the Darfur shipment?

Are Edward’s crews going to skydive from a moving helicopter and down into the Rocky Mountains, all the while clutching a mysterious package emanating from Darfur?

One can only wonder why the delivery of the Darfur shipment isn’t the main plot. It sounds far more exhilarating than reading about Edward’s beautiful and impassive face pressing into hard lines.

"Taylor nods at me. “Miss Swan.” I smile tentatively back at him and he turns and leaves. “Does he..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:39:23 +0200

“Taylor nods at me. “Miss Swan.”
I smile tentatively back at him and he turns and leaves.
“Does he live here?”
“Yes.” His tone is clipped.
What is his problem?”

- What’s Edward’s problem?

My guesses:

He doesn’t want Bella to have any male friends, i. e. potential rivals. (This is probably what E. L. James is getting at.)

He’s worried that the mysterious Darfur shipment will be the death of his precious helicopter. (He should be.)

Edward, the Oedipus Complex incarnate, is disappointed that his mother left so quickly. (Given how delighted he was at her arrival, this is only logical.)

He’s annoyed that Bella excused herself to pick up the phone while he was introducing her to his mother. (Frankly, he has every right to be. I know I would be pissed off if my boyfriend had acted this rude the first time I introduced him to my family.)

"Taylor reappears. “Mr. Cullen, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.” Edward nods curtly at..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:20:00 +0200

“Taylor reappears.
“Mr. Cullen, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.”
Edward nods curtly at him. “Get the helicopter back to Sea Tac and stand down the pilot.””

- How the fuck is a helicopter at Sea Tac supposed to help ‘the Darfur shipment’?

Just like airplanes, helicopters have a maximum capacity for how much weight they can carry. This is why baggage allowance exist. Given that a helicopter is much smaller than an airplane, I doubt it’s able to carry a whole lot of cargo.

Unless Edward is trying to smuggle unpolluted Sudanian air into America, I sincerely doubt that his helicopter will be in any way useful to ‘the Darfur shipment’.

Of course, I know full well that this is just E. L. James reminding us once more that Edward is a super important international businessman, just in case any of us had forgotten. Still, there’s no excuse for idiocy.

"Taylor was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been?"

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:09:00 +0200

“Taylor was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been?”

- The sudden realization that Taylor is in Edward’s apartment should not strike her now, given that she and Edward were eavesdropping on a conversation between him and Esme less about a page ago.

"Taylor appears from… where?"

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:04:18 +0200

“Taylor appears from… where?”

- From… there, perhaps?

(Honestly, you can’t put ‘where’ in italics and not expect my mind to jump there.)

"Of course, darling. Isabella, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet again.” She holds her..."

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 15:56:00 +0200

““Of course, darling. Isabella, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet again.” She holds her hand out to me, her eyes glowing and I shake it gently.”

- Bella only uttered five words to Edward’s mother, but apparently that’s more than enough to constitute ‘such a pleasure’ in Mrs. Cullen’s book.

How to win over the in-laws by Isabella Swan:

“Mrs. Cullen.” *accepts proffered hand with a vapid smile*

“Yes.” *in response to a question*

“Excuse me.” *saunters into the adjoining room to pick up the phone*

Bella has yet to say a complete sentence in Mrs. Cullen’s presence, but just like every other character we’ve met in this book, Mrs. Cullen instinctively, irrationally, and immediately loves ~~Mary Sue~~ Bella Swan.