June 2012
603 posts
9 tags
“What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me...”
– Not half an hour ago:
I am panting, and vaguely I hear the rip of foil and then he’s in me. Fast, hard and large, thrusting into me, over and over, implacable, pushing me over the edge again.
This book talks a great deal about the difference between lovemaking and hard fucking, but for all...
11 tags
“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Rose’s voice.
He frowns....”
– So, now it appears that Edward wants Bella to cut all contact with her male friends, simply because he “doesn’t like to share”.
Excerpt from an article called ‘How can I teach my toddler to share?”:
When your toddler refuses to share his favorite truck (or even his...
9 tags
“I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have...”
– If Newton’s doesn’t have a computer anyway, what was the point of including that last sentence?
13 tags
“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.
Internet! I...”
– Internet!
There is so much wrong with this that I barely know where to begin.
1. How does E. L. James imagine that a twenty-one-year-old college graduate has survived the past four years without access to computers? I’m a college student, I have an e-mail address linked to the university I...
10 tags
“And may I suggest you do some research, so you know what you’re letting yourself...”
– Bella: “Research? What is this strange and foreign word of which you speak?”
And we’re still supposed to believe that this chick is a college graduate with a degree in literature?
13 tags
“He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study...”
–
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“His mouth presses in a hard line and he makes a call.
“Kate, what’s the issue?”...”
– Does this have anything to do with the Darfur shipment?
Are Edward’s crews going to skydive from a moving helicopter and down into the Rocky Mountains, all the while clutching a mysterious package emanating from Darfur?
One can only wonder why the delivery of the Darfur shipment isn’t...
9 tags
“Taylor nods at me. “Miss Swan.”
I smile tentatively back at him and he turns...”
– What’s Edward’s problem?
My guesses:
He doesn’t want Bella to have any male friends, i. e. potential rivals. (This is probably what E. L. James is getting at.)
He’s worried that the mysterious Darfur shipment will be the death of his precious helicopter. (He should be.)
...
9 tags
“Taylor reappears.
“Mr. Cullen, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.”...”
– How the fuck is a helicopter at Sea Tac supposed to help ‘the Darfur shipment’?
Just like airplanes, helicopters have a maximum capacity for how much weight they can carry. This is why baggage allowance exist. Given that a helicopter is much smaller than an airplane, I doubt it’s...
9 tags
“Taylor was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been?”
– The sudden realization that Taylor is in Edward’s apartment should not strike her now, given that she and Edward were eavesdropping on a conversation between him and Esme less about a page ago.
9 tags
“Taylor appears from… where?”
– From… there, perhaps?
(Honestly, you can’t put ‘where’ in italics and not expect my mind to jump there.)
10 tags
“Of course, darling. Isabella, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet...”
– Bella only uttered five words to Edward’s mother, but apparently that’s more than enough to constitute ‘such a pleasure’ in Mrs. Cullen’s book.
How to win over the in-laws by Isabella Swan:
“Mrs. Cullen.” *accepts proffered hand with a vapid smile*
...
7 tags
“Look Jake, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Edward who’s...”
– Oh, so you do realize that this is not a good time to take a personal phone call? The question that begs to be asked is, ‘Why the hell did you pick up the phone in the first place?!’.
Notice that Bella’s more concerned about what Edward will think about her talking to one of her...
11 tags
“So you are graduating this week?” Esme asks.
“Yes.”
My cell phone starts to...”
– You have just met your lover’s mother for the first time, and you have literally only spoken three words to her (the words being “Mrs.”, “Cullen”, and “yes”, for anyone who was curious).
If you’re trying to make a good first impression, this is not...
10 tags
“Mrs. Cullen.”
“Call me Esme.” She grins and Edward frowns. “Mrs. Cullen is my...”
– Edward: “Well, mother, right from the moment Miss Swan here fell into my office twelve days ago, I just knew I had to spank her. I spent the next week tracking her down with my technologically advanced stalker equipment, proceeded to seduce her simply by exposing myself to her sensitive eyes,...
13 tags
Fifty Shades of Murmurmurmurmur (part 1)
Apparently, every single character in this book has an hitherto unexplained speech impairment.
murmur
To make a low, continuous, indistinct sound or succession of sounds.
To complain in low mumbling tones; grumble.
Murmured quotes from the first 89 pages of the book:
“They’re lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary,” I murmur, distracted, by him and by the paintings.
“It’s shrewd...
10 tags
“Mrs. Cullen holds her hand out to me. “What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs...”
– Like mother, like son, like son’s lover.
Why does everyone in this book insist on speaking only in murmurs? Speak up, for heaven’s sake!
Also, ‘stunned relief’, because every parent’s worst nightmare is for one of their sons to turn out gay. The horror!
11 tags
“I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Edward up on his offer of clothes....”
– You go, subconscious! Run and tell that!
9 tags
“Holy shit. Edward’s mother.
This is so much more than I bargained for. Perhaps...”
– I don’t think that E. L. James has done a very solid job at establishing the “jigsaw” that is Edward Cullen.
The entire plot in this book revolves around why Edward is turned on by BDSM, whilst making BDSM out to be something deviant and unnatural. I feel offended on behalf of...
11 tags
“Isabella, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely.”
– Edward: “This will look lovely on you, Miss Swan! Please wear only this from now on.”
If Bella would look so frickin’ lovely in the sack depicted above, why did this happen roughly twenty pages ago?
“I want to lavish money on you. Let me buy you some clothes. I may need you to...
9 tags
“He’s pulled on a white t-shirt and he’s running his hand through his just-fucked...”
– Oh, God, I hope so.
This book would be much more tolerable if half of it weren’t spent on repetitive monologues about how beautiful Edward is.
10 tags
“I have no clean clothes in here.” I am filled with sudden panic, and considering...”
– Panic tends to have an overwhelming effect. If it doesn’t, it’s probably not panic.
panic
A sudden, overpowering terror, often affecting many people at once.
9 tags
“Another first,” he acknowledges, but I have no idea what he’s talking about.”
– I’m already sick of the line ‘another first’, and there are about a million more in store.
It seems to me that Edward and his fifteen former lovers have lived and copulated under rocks, never knowing sunshine.
14 tags
Fifty Shades of Flagrante Delicto
Context: Basking in the afterglow of their mutual orgasm, Bella and Edward hear voices on the outside of the bedroom. Oh noes, it’s Edward’s mom! How embarrassing… or is it?
“Shit. It’s my mother.” Edward is wide-eyed with humored horror.
He grins at me, then leaps up and pulls on his jeans, no underwear!
His grin widens and leaning down, he undoes the tie.
He...
10 tags
“His grin widens and leaning down, he undoes the tie. I notice that it has three...”
– Previously in ‘Master of the Universe’:
He steps away, into his closet, and comes back with a grey silk tie.
So there are three silver stripes at the end of his grey silk tie? Those three stripes sure provide a sharp contrast to the overall color of the tie.
I guess we have our...
8 tags
“He pulls out of me suddenly, ooh, sticky, and sitting on the bed, throws the...”
– I could have done without the ‘ooh, sticky’ comment that was awkwardly squeezed into that sentence.
9 tags
“He has someone with him.”
“Oh…” Even I can hear the disbelief in her voice.”
– You’re in bed, eavesdropping on a conversation that’s taking place in another room in Edward’s enormous apartment, and you’re still able to distinctly hear the disbelief in her voice through her muttered ‘Oh’ of comprehension?
I call bullshit from the top of my...
10 tags
“And suddenly, we both become aware of voices in the hall outside his bedroom...”
– Er, yeah. I wonder what the sentence ‘He’s not alone’ could possibly mean?
Something tells me that Bella and Mrs. Cullen will become great friends, mostly due to their mutual lack of brains.
8 tags
“The wonder that he’s introduced me to - it’s beyond anything I could have...”
– The wonder being sex, and the innocence being what she lost when he ‘ripped through’ her virginity and she immediately turned into the queen of blowjobs.
11 tags
“Collapsing on top of me, I feel his full weight, forcing me into the mattress. I...”
– May I remind you that this is hardly the the first time you’ve reached either of these epiphanies.
Previously in ‘Master of the Universe’:
“I think I’d be ready for anything with Edward Cullen” (p. 54)
“”Ready” he asks. I nod… and I...
10 tags
“Come for me, baby,” his voice is harsh, hard, raw at my ear, and I explode...”
– Is ‘Come for me, baby’ and ‘Thank fuck’ E. L. James’ idea of erotic pillow talk?
11 tags
“I cry out and the world dips and disappears from view as the force of my climax...”
– Two paragraphs.
Two orgasms.
Oh my.
9 tags
“My legs go rigid, and he slips his finger inside me, and I hear his growling...”
– What did you expect? The foreplay has gone on for five pages.
8 tags
“Aargh!” I moan as my body bows and convulses at the touch of his tongue.”
– “Aargh!” doesn’t strike me as a sexy addition to the already crappy dialogue in this ‘erotica’.
8 tags
“I can hear the wicked grin in his voice.”
– I doubt it.
11 tags
“I like this.” He gently tugs at my pubic hair. “Perhaps we’ll keep this.”
“Oh…...”
– Edward: “Yeah, okay, sure. But only because you asked so nicely!”
The dialogue in this book has reached a brand new low.
8 tags
“He blows gently up the length of my sex.”
– Something about the length of a vagina doesn’t sound right.
13 tags
“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Swan?” he murmurs, and keeping his...”
–
Run and tell that, Weasley twins!
12 tags
“He’s going to kiss me there, I know it, and part of me is glorying in the...”
–
7 tags
“Oh, please,” I moan as he bites my little toe.
“All good things, Miss Swan,” he...”
– ‘All good things’, as in ‘all good things come to those who wait’?
By that logic there won’t be a whole lot of good things coming your way, given that you wasted no time getting into each other’s pants.
7 tags
“I think I’m going to combust.”
– By all means, go ahead.
10 tags
“Watching and assessing my every reaction, he gently kisses each of my toes and...”
– To you, maybe. Let me assure you that I’m convulsing for different reasons entirely.
Also, why is E. L. James incapable of letting the readers decide for themselves what’s erotic, and what’s not? For the record, I maintain that this is not erotic in the slightest.
9 tags
“My heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there.”
– Maybe Bella should put away ‘Tess D’Urbervilles’ for the time being and read this book instead:
9 tags
“I’m hypnotized by his tongue. He’s staring into my eyes, watching me,...”
– Wait, how can you be staring back into his eyes if you’re currently being hypnotized by his dangling tongue?
7 tags
“I’m hypnotized by his tongue.”
– And I’m visited by the mental image of Edward’s tongue, dangling like a pendulum in front of Bella’s blank face.
9 tags
“He runs his fingers down my pigtails.
“You look so young with these,” he...”
– No kidding.
Does it turn him on that his girlfriend wears her hair in a style generally favored by five-year-olds?
7 tags
“Bring your hands together, in front of you,” he orders quietly as he peels the...”
– The knot in question is never actually described as anything but firm.
You don’t have to be a boy scout in order to tie a firm knot, although Edward being a former boy scout would explain why he walks around with a constant boner. ‘Always prepared,’ and all that jazz.
7 tags
“Trust me?” he asks suddenly, softly.
I nod, wide-eyed, with the sudden...”
– Why?! What has he ever done to earn your trust?
I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it.
9 tags
“Say yes,” he whispers fervently.
I frown, not understanding. “To what?”
“Yes...”
– The last word is your name, so yeah…
Also, Bella has a choice in the matter? That’s not the impression I was left with last night.
Previously in ‘Master of the Universe’:
“You are mine,” he whispers. “Don’t forget it.”
“Every time you move tomorrow,...
8 tags
“He cradles my head, his tongue exploring my mouth, and I get a sense he’s...”
– The ‘for a my’ is not my typo.
Also, what’s that about? Yeah, Bella, why would anyone even try to show gratitude for sexual favors rendered?
